Everybody’s got to start somewhere. Welcome to the first ever look inside Em’s Worlds.
My name is Emily, and this blog was born from my lifelong desire to be a writer.
This isn’t the first blog I’ve made. Over the years, I have gone through the same process over and over. My heart would swell with inspiration and my typing fingers would feel powerful and I’d be mentally ready to set up a platform on the internet. I would spend days finding the perfect blog name and the perfect theme, even in some cases writing my first few blog posts.
But I would never publically post them.
They still sit there, abandoned, because my anxiety would convince me that I wasn’t good enough, yet. That I was too young and my skills were too amateur. That I would get zero views and wouldn’t be able to deal with the chip in my already pretty holey self-esteem.
I have a YouTube channel. I have Instagram and Twitter and Tumblr and Facebook. Yet, there is something so terrifying to me about having others read my writing. If I were to list all of the reasons why this terrifies me, I would be here all day. But, the buzz word that everything seems to stem back to is vulnerability.
To give you a little context, I am basically Hermione Granger… If she were sorted into Slytherin.
Like Hermione, I value intelligence. I drool over intellectual challenges to the point where I actively seek them because the minute my mind stops running laps around itself, I grow bored and antsy.
While Hermione Granger used a Time-Turner to attend more classes at school that time would even allow, I have to rely on buses and brisk walking to get me from my Media Arts and Production class at UTS to my Ancient History or English class at Sydney University because my over-eager ass is doing two undergraduate degrees at the same time and I do not exist in a world of magic and Time Turners.
I am in constant competition with myself, and that is because I always have to feel as though I am achieving something, whether it be a better grade or a longer-than-usual conversation with a new friend at work. I need to prove people wrong, even if it means always trying to prove myself wrong, and I am rational to the point where sometimes I even worry that I’m turning into a robot. I like to pretend that I’m a beacon of reason, evaporating the shadows of emotional bias and those gross things you call feelings.
Basically, to quote Marina and the Diamonds, “I’m a control freak driven by a greed to succeed and nobody can stop me.”
Does it make sense now why the whole concept of vulnerability makes me want to hide?
For a long time, I ignored the fact that I wanted to be a writer. The dream that I’d had since I was a little kid to hold my very own book my in hands, to see my very own book up on a shelf… I discarded it because that’s all it was: a dream, and somewhere along the way, I’d decided that dreams were a waste of time because they didn’t come true. I needed to focus on something realistic.
It took me about a year or two to realise that what makes you happy isn’t a waste of time. And I’m still in the process of learning. Even as I’m writing this, my anxiety is screaming at me for sounding so damn cheesy and pathetic. But anxiety is nothing more than a smoke screen, clouding your view, trapping you against the wall. The only way to overcome it is to push through and realise that there are no monsters or steep cliffs on the other side.
So, I guess this blog was actually born out of me deciding that at the end of the day, I’m going to do what makes me smile. Because I don’t want to end up like this…
(If you haven’t seen the Disney short Inner Workings, you really should. It made me cry.)
Hence, this blog will be a mismatch of book reviews, tv show and movie discussions, video game rants, general life observations, and a pinch of history and psychology.
And if you decide to come along for the ride, I hope you enjoy.
So, welcome to my blog, bitches 🙂